Humour

*** AMUSING & TRUE STORIES ***

The Post Mortem

This actually happened to me personally. During my training as a police cadet in the early sixties I was required to attend the post mortem of a victim of sudden death. I was accompanied by an experienced officer who instructed me to stand at the side of the mortuary and simply observe the work of the mortician and pathologist. I had never seen a dead body before let alone a post mortem! In those days they did not have the sophisticated electrical equipment available today. The mortician commenced his preparatory work for the pathologist using an old fashioned tenon saw for the purpose. Without going into the graphic and gruesome details, as the procedures progressed I felt more and more uneasy, but I could not bring myself to exit in case it reflected badly upon my ability to cope in the face of adversity. I felt my knees weakening and eventually slid down the wall and fainted! When I came around I found myself on a pathology slab next to the corpse! Those present had placed me there to recover. My tie had been removed and shirt unfastened. My belt and trousers had been loosened and I was looking straight up into the face of the pathologist who was wiping my forehead with a wet towel and a broad grin !!!!!!! Later that same day I returned to my lodgings and was offered liver & kidney pie for dinner. Needless to say I flatly refused !!!!! You can imagine the jibes I received for ages from my fellow Cadets upon my return to the Training College. 

The Apparition or Ghost

As a very young and inexperienced footpatrolman I often worked alone on the night shift. On this particular tour of duty it was the dead of night at about 3.30am and I felt I was the only person on the streets. I rested my weary legs by sitting down in the bus shelter opposite the local church and cemetery. It was a lovely moonlit night and I was simply wishing the hours away to 6am when I could go home to my bed. Suddenly, I spotted what I thought, at the time, was an apparition or ghost approaching me from the direction of the cemetery. The figure was all in white, had long white hair and was not wearing shoes. I admit to being petrified. I even pinched myself to make sure I was not dreaming. I thought I should call the police then quickly realised "I am the police!" Please remember we had no personal radios or mobile cellphones in those days ! The figure continued towards me and upon leaving the cemetery proceeded to climb the hill towards the village centre. There were no street lights and I had to decide how to deal with the situation. Being somewhat apprehensive I decided to walk at a respectable distance behind until we reached the illuminated area of the main street and close the nearby police station. Now feeling much more brave I decided it was time for positive action. I approached and as I got up close I could see that it was in fact a very elderly lady in her nightclothes. Still somewhat perturbed having seen her emerge from a cemetery I engaged her in conversation. It soon became apparent that the dear old lady in white was certainly no ghost. She told me that she was out looking for her late husband! I invited her into the police station for a nice cup of tea whilst I made some enquiries. It later transpired that she had wandered away from the geriatric ward ward of a local hospital. Mercifully, it was a fairly warm evening and I was soon able to return her to the sanctuary of her hospital bed. The staff had not even noticed that she was missing. Needless to say new procedures were immediately implemented to ensure she did not resume her nocturnal adventures in the future. Believe me I slept well after the truth was revealed !!!! 

The Female Burglar ?

Another funny story I am happy to share with you is when, as a young policeman, I was required to assist a much older and wiser officer in keeping overnight observations in a town centre shop to combat a recent spate of burglaries. We had been secreted on the premises from soon after dusk and were to remain there until dawn. The shop front had a recessed doorway with a glass door and a letter box at the bottom. The shop blinds were pulled down and we remained silent on the inside of the windows. There was no sign of any action for hours but as the pubs closed we could hear voices approaching our location. Keeping a sharp vigil my colleague and I lay on the floor and peered beneath the blinds in case our premises came under attack. To our alarm we saw a hugh man stop outside our shop and furtively look up and down the street. He then beckened over his shoulder for his accomplice to enter the recess of the shop doorway, he remaining as a lookout. We thought this must be it ! Whereupon his young female partner in crime entered the doorway recess, promptly turned around, pulled up her skirt, lowered her pants, knelt down and promptly commenced to urinate in front of our very eyes !!!! We were completely staggered by her audacity and being in almost total darkness felt helpless. However, my very irate colleague, who was forever reminding me that he had served for "more years than I had had hot dinners", removed his long truncheon from its storage pocket, then lifted the letter box and inserted it through until it touched her bottom !!!!! She was so mortified that she lept up, midstream, and ran out of the shop doorway and up the street screaming her head off. We fully expected the male friend to at least return and check out her allegation or cause us more aggravation, but he clearly believed she had imagined it because they did not return and we encountered no burglars that night ! How times have changed since then. If it happened today she would probably remain and savour the delight !!! Please forgive my vulgarity folks, its just my cynical sense of humour.

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